One year later

Yesterday was the first anniversary of Melissa’s death. I was not sure what the day would bring. I was pretty sure that I was not going to say anything to the boys about it, and I didn’t. On her birthday a few weeks ago, we had a party, with cake and all that, telling stories, laughing. But I did (do) not think that the little guys could do much with the anniversary of her death, other than be sad to no point.

I stayed busy most of the day, pushing through. I was worried what would the night bring, because I have found you can only stay busy so long and then you have to stop, get ready to fall asleep and deal with yourself. But nothing. Well, there was something. I was surrounded by family and friends. It was the Thursday night dinner; Jessie and the boys, John, Laura, Ronnie, Shelly, Elijon, and Leo. So we had a full house and the mood was light.

Someone close to me said, with tears a few months ago, “I just hope your life will work out.” The set-up to that was various disappointments and hard times in life. Nothing out of the ordinary, but stuff no one wants to go through. I, however, was a bit perplexed by the worry. I feel that my life is rich and blessed.

And I felt that way even in Melissa’s illness, at her death, and in the terrible days after. It is true that no matter how much you prepare, you are not ready, it still comes as a shock. But I can say that Melissa was at that point (even before she got sick) where she knew Jesus was waiting for her. Can you understand that? Have you seen that kind of faith? She knew where she was going. She did not want to die or leave us here. But she did want to go to Jesus. She just left sooner than she wanted. When I think about that faith, that assurance, what can I say except that I am blessed? I, too, share such faith. There’s not much else you can say, other than that even then, my life was working out. Or rather, God was working things out in my life. This is an amazing gift.

So mom, don’t worry. I am ok, always have been, it just doesn’t always look like it.